The Voice In My Head

Hi Ranger!

“No matter that!” it said cheerfully.
“Just hang yourself from a nearby tree.” These two lines don't rhyme as well as the others. . .try finding something to replace cheerfully.

“Draw up the bathtub, fill it to the brim,
Then dunk yourself under and don’t try to swim.” Great line!

“You’re too stuck in the rut called depression
For anything He says to make an impression. I like this stanza!

“If only you listened to His voice, not mine,
You’d hear something that’s truly divine!” This stanza confuses me a bit, why would the Demon tell him to listen to God if he wanted him to come to Hell?

Hi Ranger Hawk,
I just have to say I loved this poem. It's the longest poem to keep my attention from the first word to the last. It's very clever. Keep writing!

I love this whole thing. Since the others have nitpicked it to death, I'll just say I thought it was amazing. I loved the moral and the story.

Keep Writing!

Kay

Seeing as I can't think of criticism of any kind for this I'll skip right to the good stuff.

I really love this poem. I rarely read long poems online because I'm normally in a hurry. Your poem really caught my eye though, and once I started reading it I didn't want to stop until the end.

Great job! Keep writing!

-Liz

Hi! is this the first time I reviewed a work of yours? XD I didn't know you are a poet, haha.

Nitpicks:

The demon wailed, “He has a plan!
He’s got a life for you, you foolish man!

“You’re too stuck in the rut called depression
For anything He says to make an impression.

“If only you listened to His voice, not mine,
You’d hear something that’s truly divine!”

It was a while in coming, and at times I’d hear
A whisper of doubt sounding in my ear

But I finally learned how to block it out,
No matter how loud or clear it might shout

I was finally rewarded with a quiet voice
Saying, “Well done. You’ve made the right choice.

“You were tempted for some time by a demon of Hell
To end your life, and to sound the knell

“But if you did, you would have missed so much!
I have plans for you: life, wife, and such.

“And, most of all, joy; you would have missed it
If you had listened to that sly demon’s fit.”

Heya, I could write about the grammatical errors and the parts where the words aren't transitioning right, but everybody has done that already for me Anyways, nice poem and I like the theme.

This would be good for a depression workshop; perhaps consider sending it out? All in all, I enjoyed your poem Keep writing!

Aah, this one was a long one! But it was really good, and though it started as one of those "doomed to die" poems you managed to sneak in a great message and end it with joy! Great work, I liked it aloot!

Wow, thank you all for your reviews and feedback! I really appreciate it.

Wow. I've never really seen a poem like this, but it's executed very well. You take on a lot of risk when you base a poem off of dialogue, but you seem to have a firm grasp of how to incorporate it while still maintaining a steady rhythm. You even played with some good characterization, which, again, is very difficult to have in a poem.

I don't really know what to say that hasn't been said -- good rhythm, great flow, and a nice eerie feeling to top it all off!

I really really really LOVE this one! How amazing! It speaks a message people of the world need to hear. It's amazing! As a Christian myself, I really like it! Long, but for a message like this, it's worth it. NEVER stop writing! God has givin you a pure talent! I'll be hopping to hear alot more from you!
God bless,
Ruth

Okay, this was a good poem.

I am not going to say much, because I don't have much to say.

I am going to say, though, that I suggested this poem to my friend, lovethelifeulive.

She once had a thoguht that she should kill herself, because she thought no-one loved her.

I think this poem should be read by those with suicide thoughts, so I absolutely love it.

It is inspiring and I think it would help those in need.

Good work,

CassidyRose

WOW. That was great. Some of the rhymes might have seemed forced, but it was still awesome. I haven't been here that long, but suicide poems seem to be a trend, and one that I don't particularly like. It's great to see something like thins in contrast to all of the others. Excelent job.

Ack! I love this poem! Some of the rhymes are awkward, lol, but I don't care. I thought I would hate this poem, since I actually did hear voices in my head for a bit and they were awwwwwwwwful and mean and absolutely hateful and they wouldn't stop. So, in a one last desperate attempt to get them to stop, I actually asked for God's help, and then BAM. They stopped. And it was lovely! So I really like this poem because it kind of goes along with my experience.

I also liked the demon, lol. Silly demon... you can't ever win by telling the truth! That's God's territory!

This was an overall great poem. You had nowhere to put it, so you put it here. That's fine. You had a great idea and you wrote it down and it turned out to be this. That's great. Now to the basics. Your spelling and grammar are great, and your imagery was wonderful. Great poem.

Tyler.

I really liked this poem. Yeah, it was long, but if it hadn't held my attention I wouldn't have read it all, let alone reviewed it! So well done for keeping me hooked. The short stanzas helped with that, as well. I really like your concept, and your rhyming was very natural. I think this stanza broke the flow slightly:

"I want to know now, and I won’t do anything
Until you tell me," I said, "so sing!”

Probably because the second line is a fair bit shorter than the first. But apart from that, I think it's really good!

I really enjoyed this poem, the moral of the story is something that I deeply beleive in so thank you for posting! This was actually pretty simple written and you could easily understand the meaning of the whole thing all though some of the rythming was a bit forced I think you did the best you could with the subject you where dealing with! Great job appreciate the post!

Hey Ranger, I saw you had written something so I had to read it.

Well, first off I LOVED it. That fact that it is so true with people that they don't even realize that they are talking to something other than their own brain is kind of hard to represent, but you did a marvelous job!

The grammar was very good and I liked the rhyme scheme, but some of it did sound a bit forced in certain parts. I get that you had to find words to fit, but sometimes you just had to go with the flow. (yes, it is a pun. lol) I didn't get a few of your words, but I figured out the meaning you were trying to convey, so it got across.

This was very long, but it needed to be that way, it sort of represents how long a person actually thinks about what to do. I don't know how long it takes someone to think about which way to end their lives, but I would like to believe that they would take some time and not make a hasty decision. Your faith came out in this very well as well, although I didn't quite get why you chose to write from a man's perspective.

All in all, I really liked this. It made me smile and think about things in a different perspective.

Theo

Whoah. I love your stuff. It rymed and was pretty. I normally hate ryming poems but I actually likes this one

Tiger here to review! Comments shall be in bold.

Ranger Hawk wrote:Not sure where I should post this, so I just went for Other. Any thoughts and critiques are much appreciated!

*Rated 16 for some language and mature subject matter

The Voice In My Head

I heard a voice inside my head
Calling to me from the Land of the Dead

Enticing me to join it in Hell
From where it was speaking in a voice quite fell

“Just a simple matter,” it hissed in my ear.
“Pull the trigger, and bam! You’re here!”

“One problem,” I said to the demon in my head,
“I don’t have a gun; I can’t shoot myself dead.”

“No matter that!” it said cheerfully.
“Just hang yourself from a nearby tree.”

“I don’t have a rope,” I said thoughtfully.
“And I’m not going to get one; I’m far too lazy. Maybe I'm just reading it too fast, but the poem kind of slowed down and lost its flow when you used lazy. Maybe you could say '; you can't make me'? But then that doesn't sound right either. Hmm. Maybe you should just keep it, but it still slows down the poem.”

“Draw up the bathtub, fill it to the brim,
Then dunk yourself under and don’t try to swim.”

“I hate water; I’m like a cat.
Besides, I don’t want to go by that.”

“Then drive your car at the fastest speed
And go flying off a cliff; then you’re free!”

“What an expensive mess that would cost!
I’d rather do it quietly, with minimum loss.”

The demon pondered; it hemmed and hawed:
“How to snatch you from life and from God.”

“God?” I asked. “What’s He got to do with it?”
The demon sounded sly and said with some spirit, this sentence sounds a little strange. Just a suggestion: 'The demon said slyly and fast as a ferret:'

“Nothing, of course, I don't think that part is absolutely necessarysir! Nothing at all!
Now what if you jumped and staged a great fall?”

“Shut up for a moment,” I said sternly. Again, this sort of breaks the flow of the poem. I'm sure you could probably find an even better word.
“There’s something here you’re not telling me.”

Then I heard panic in the demon’s voice,
“I don’t have to tell you; it’s all my own choice!”

“I want to know now, and I won’t do anything
Until you tell me," I said, "so sing!”

The demon wailed, “He has a plan!
He’s got a life for you, you foolish man!

“You’re too stuck in the rut called depression
For anything He says to make an impression.

“If only you listened to His voice, not mine,
You’d hear something that’s truly divine!”

With that piece of news, I told the sly one,
“Go to Hell, leave me be, you damnable demon!”

It screeched loudly inside of my head,
And cried, “You’ll soon wish that you were dead!”

I paid it no mind, and quietly waited
For the one whom I wanted, my breath bated.

It was a while in coming, and at times I’d hear
A whisper of doubt sounding in my ear

But I finally learned how to block it out,
No matter how loud or clear it might shout

I was finally rewarded with a quiet voice
Saying, “Well done. You’ve made the right choice.

“You were tempted for some time by a demon of Hell
To end your life, and to sound the death knell

“But if you did, you would have missed so much!
I have plans for you: life, wife, and such.

“And, most of all, joy; you would have missed it
If you had listened to that sly demon’s fit.”

My eyes were opened; I heard the call
And I realized that life’s not too bad after all.

“Draw up the bathtub, fill it to the brim,
Then dunk yourself under and don’t try to swim.”

Hey Hawk!

This poem reminded me of "Goblin Market" by Christina Rossetti, and if you haven't read that poem, I highly recommend it. Yours was a bit more accessible and for that, I thank you! It's not often that I get to read poetry that I can understand the first time around reading it. I loved it! It's a great piece. I didn't find anything horrible grammar or style-wise that hasn't already been mentioned at some point, so I'll just leave that alone. Haha. Anyway, great job!

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Hey there Ranger Here to make a review. I don't know how helpful it will be, but I will try my best!
The Voice In My Head

I heard a voice inside my head
Calling to me from the Land of the Dead You could take away the to and it would sound good, but it's not nescesary.

Enticing me to join it in Hell
From where it was speaking in a voice quite fell Quite fell?

“Just a simple matter,” it hissed in my ear.
“Pull the trigger, and bam! You’re here!” Love this line!

“One problem,” I said to the demon in my head,
“I don’t have a gun; I can’t shoot myself dead.”

“No matter that!” it said cheerfully.
“Just hang yourself from a nearby tree.”

“I don’t have a rope,” I said thoughtfully.
“And I’m not going to get one; I’m far too lazy.” This seemed like a very forced line. The lazy part that is. You could do so much better I know you could!

“Draw up the bathtub, fill it to the brim,
Then dunk yourself under and don’t try to swim.”

“I hate water; I’m like a cat.
Besides, I don’t want to go by that.” Break in flow.

“Then drive your car at the fastest speed
And go flying off a cliff; then you’re free!”

“What an expensive mess that would cost! Be rather than cost would sound better.
I’d rather do it quietly, with minimum loss.” Take away the minimum loss and this would sound better.

The demon pondered; it hemmed and hawed:
“How to snatch you from life and from God.” Love this stanza!

“God?” I asked. “What’s He got to do with it?”
The demon sounded sly and said with some spirit,

“Nothing, of course, sir! Nothing at all!
Now what if you jumped and staged a great fall?”

“Shut up for a moment,” I said sternly.
“There’s something here you’re not telling me.”

Then I heard panic in the demon’s voice,
“I don’t have to tell you; it’s all my own choice!”

“I want to know now, and I won’t do anything
Until you tell me," I said, "so sing!” Break of flow and the word sing seemed very forced to me.

The demon wailed, “He has a plan!
He’s got a life for you, you foolish man!

“You’re too stuck in the rut called depression
For anything He says to make an impression.

“If only you listened to His voice, not mine,
You’d hear something that’s truly divine!”

With that piece of news, I told the sly one,
“Go to Hell, leave me be, you damnable demon!”

It screeched loudly inside of my head,
And cried, “You’ll soon wish that you were dead!”

I paid it no mind, and quietly waited
For the one whom I wanted, my breath bated.

It was a while in coming, and at times I’d hear
A whisper of doubt sounding in my ear I would be rid of the sounding in my ear part.

But I finally learned how to block it out,
No matter how loud or clear it might shout

I was finally rewarded with a quiet voice
Saying, “Well done. You’ve made the right choice.

“You were tempted for some time by a demon of Hell
To end your life, and to sound the knell

“But if you did, you would have missed so much!
I have plans for you: life, wife, and such. I would put, "A wife," instead of just wife.

“And, most of all, joy; you would have missed it
If you had listened to that sly demon’s fit.”

My eyes were opened; I heard the call
And I realized that life’s not too bad after all.[/quote]


I really truly loved your peice, and as I told you before, a few breaks in the flow was all I caught on this. I think it conveys a great message, and I believe it to. I can really relate to what you are saying and it has insired me greatly. I can't wait to read more of your work.

-Flow-

oooh! I really liked this! It was nice and catchy and had a great moral!

Great job, my daughter!

That was awesome! Seriously though, I definitely like the plot and the flow of the poem just mad it even better. It is definitely something that I can relate to. (That's probably why I like it so much) It's artistic and yet speaks about something so true. Further more, the poem reminded me of another great poem, but I can't quite name it. Sorry,lol.

Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate them. Sorry that it was so long--wasn't sure if this was the place to put it, but I figured it was kind of a catch-all.

Freak -- I think I have met you before haha; nice to see you again! And what I meant by a "fell" voice is a "doomed" or "deadly" sort of voice.

The demon wailed, “He has a plan!
He’s got a life for you, you foolish man!

Woah! This is super long!...Oh, hi there.

Ayee, Ranger Hawk, I'm Freak...I think we met, but otherwise, it's nice to meet you.
I really love the first stanza. It catches my attention and is quite impressive, if I do say so myself.

I don't completely understand the sentence when you say,

From where it was speaking in a voice quite fell